“Are you religious?” I didn’t know what to say.
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I’m feeling happy today. This is the first time I’ve felt like this in a long time. I finally let go. It had to be done. I feel like I had lost contact with my roots. I had lost contact with my beliefs. I kept telling myself that I was happy… I was content to a certain extent but there was always something missing. Here is what happened. This week, all the snow melted. The grass was showing. I live in Bozeman, Montana, and it is January. The grass should not be seen. Last night, the temperature dropped back down and the clouds decided to pour out their fluffy blessing upon my tiny little mountain village that I call home. I awoke to pillows upon pillows of the whitest snow imaginable. I grabbed my shower, dressed, and plugged in my headphones. A new album was about to pulsate through my ears: Bayani by the Blue Scholars. The catchiness of the album can’t be ignored, however that is not what caught my attention. It was the lyrics of one song in particular: “Ordinary Guys.” The lyrics reminded me of something that I failed to acknowledge for the past few months: Love. It reminded me that there are still people who work for what they get and live selflessly. Right then I made a conscious decision: just be happy. Years ago, I believed that every person, no matter their situation, is able to make a conscious decision to be happy every moment of their lives. I lost touch with this philosophy, but gained it back. In modern times, this is known as optimism, but I think its something different. Grace? Maybe… but you can’t make this decision without love, and you sure as hell can’t love someone else before you love yourself. I chose to love myself again… and I chose to be happy. I chose to get over her.
Ordinary Guys - The Blue Scholars
I’m just an ordinary guy, extraordinary time spent
Ordering my life working over-time nights
Holdin wires and mics under these lights, but besides that
Always find time to get love and give it right back
I’m just an ordinary guy, a baby from the eighties
Got a little bit of A.D.D, perhaps maybe
We’ve been made to be sedated and such
Then we work while they break then they say that we play too much
I ain’t known to make it out to every single event
Sometimes I live in my bed, with just a pad and a pen
And a broken ipod I bought stolen from the block
Got holes in the soles of a third of my socks
Neck deep in contradiction in the gut of the beast
If you in debt, then everything you own is on lease
Cause, money don’t translate to talent
Money, and talent don’t mean you’re guarenteed anything, honey
It’s funny, when conditions cause anything to happen
Finally got a comma in my check account balance
The 27 year challenge of the curse
Made me even outlive Janice, Janet, Jimmy and Curt
I’m just an ordinary guy, ignoring all the hype
I let it all pass me by
I got one life, one mic
But I’ll try, to always stay humble
With the fist in the sky and a bowl of brown rice
Just an ordinary guy, extraordinary time spent
Ordering my life working over-time nights
Holdin wires and mics under these lights, but besides that
Always find time to get love and give it right back
I’m just an ordinary guy, with music as a job
If I could do it, the least you could do is give it a try
There’s no use, just sitting asking why these ballers rock
Chains like a fallen chain just to stay fly
Man I’m cool, with just a pair of reeboks and vans
Some artists think they too hard to talk to their fans
I might, battle just to keep this art sharp
And maybe take a ride through the jewish part of Seward Park
Where the view of Lake Washington is not too far
But far enough, it might be a minute till the comeup
And people keep asking how I lost this weight
More work and less food on the plate, Man
Just a simple plan with a little bit of self discipline
To, keep writing, keep spitting, keep em listening
To keep on doing what I do to get a salary
My number one mission is to make my son proud of me
I’m just an ordinary guy
Sometimes I ponder if the consequence of all of this trying to be an artist is
Harder then it needs to be, wipe the sleep in my
Eye and sip the “? ” cause the grind never sleeps
I know time moves slow, we on the road again
I hate leaving but I love coming home again
It’s like we only see the citys at night but
Phonecalls and voicemails from home make me feel alright
I get way too attached to people… but this time it is for all the right reasons. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who can make me go this crazy… and things seem to be going unbelievable well. literally I can not believe how well things are going. I am going crazy over-thinking every single, tiny, little action of hers. Even the slightest hint that she doesn’t like me makes me go crazy… and there aren;t very many of them… Maybe I’ll tell her how I feel, or maybe I won’t. Something tells me that if i just say it, she would bee a little too overwhelmed. She is so damn confident that she doesn’t wear ANY feelings on her sleeve. She is one of the hardest people to read, and that scares me. I know it always will. The scary thing is, I know that this is more real than any other stupid high school crush that I thought was real at the time. Priorities change, I’ve matured a lot and realize what I actually want from someone. Its scary because if I get rejected, its gonna hurt a hell of a lot more… I just hope things are going as well as they seem to be. I miss home. I miss the simplicity of life back when I had my friends close by. My friends are the best friends in the world. No one can ever argue that. I miss the simplicity of life. I thought it was so complicated back then. That was back when I could find a song for any mood. That was back when I knew that God existed. That was back when I had my priorities straight. I miss my sister. I wish I could write lyrics. I wish I could write. All I can really do is splatter my thoughts onto a page and hope they make some sort of sense. I need a person that I can spill to. Everyone here is nice, but they don’t understand emotion. Who really understands emotion anyways. My problems were so petty back then, but now they are real and there are only a few things that have even crossed my mind. This semester is going to kill me, but I’ll get through it… I’m listening to Jesus Christ by Brand New right now. I know for sure that this song is about questioning a religion you were brought up with, but to me it is also about a girl. This is the only song that can sum up every single fucking emotion that has been swirling around in my head ever since I met her. It hurts to be displaced from love. But I’m not displaced. Im just so scared that I can’t fucking see it. It’s there. Its in my friends back home, and it is without a doubt in my new friends here. I just can’t be hurt again.
Jesus Christ - Brand New
Jesus Christ, that’s a pretty face
The kind you’d find on someone that could save
If they don’t put me away
It’ll be a miracle
Do you believe you’re missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
With nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through
And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone
Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem is going to last
More than the weekend
Jesus Christ, I’m not scared to die
But I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Or do I float through the ceiling
Or do I divide and pull apart
Because my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?
I know you’re coming in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it’s you and that it’s over so I won’t even try
I know you’re coming for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine
cool guys
